Section 43 of 440

PART 2: THE SUPERPOWERS

2.26 ENDING RELATIONSHIPS WELL

Relational fitness elsewhere in this book covers building and repairing durable bonds. Ending them is a different capability, it is not rarer, and it is almost never taught.

The domain covers separation and divorce, estrangement from a parent or sibling, the deliberate ending of a friendship, and leaving a role, community or belief system that has held a large part of your identity.

First: not every relationship should be repaired. This book's emphasis on repair is not a claim that reconciliation is always the goal. Some relationships are harmful and ending them is the healthy outcome; estrangement is sometimes the correct decision made by the person best placed to make it, and it does not require anyone else's endorsement.

The skills separate cleanly. Deciding — distinguishing a bad period from an unworkable situation, which usually takes longer than people expect and is not improved by rushing. Communicating — saying it once, clearly, without a rehearsal of grievances, and accepting that a clean ending does not require the other person to agree. Dismantling — the practical, financial and legal separation, which is where most of the lasting damage happens and where getting proper advice early is worth more than any interpersonal skill. And afterwards — managing a shared social network without recruiting it, and where children are involved, holding the absolute line that they are not a channel, a message or a bargaining position.

A boundary this book will not cross. Leaving a relationship in which you are being abused or controlled is not the same situation and is not covered by anything above. The period around leaving is the most dangerous, planning matters, and specialist services exist that know how to do this safely. Do not take that situation to a general framework.